You’re Always the Last to Know Yourself

I am trying to be a better person,

Trying to certain my belief I have become

Who I want to be,

To prove that I Am Me,

Full of certain certainty,

(It’s all a myth, is certainty)

‘Growing’s not easy’ – I’ve never been told,

I think I’m grown up, but I’m not,

I’m just older,

My teeth, too, are bleeding,

Again,

My teeth, too, are bleeding,

From smoking and drinking;

(Grown-up’s closest friends),

And I am no closer

To being that person who’s better

My heart, this muscle, is running in circles,

For miles! Up into the cosmos,

The moon’s marathon!

It’s a figure of strength,

(A strength long gone)

I want to write poems,

And some I have done,

I’m reading some Cohen when I shit,

Oh the pleasure of shitting with Cohen!

I’d shit there all day

I am no better a person,

No better I’ve done,

I conquered ambition;

That’s all.

My weightless ambition, I blew it away,

And all that is left carries on,

No better in status,

No splendid achievements,

Or money to buy things,

No better in company,

Walking with ghosts,

A shade of the past that the present won’t toast,

I think of a proverb:

‘You’re only as good as the person you’re standing beside’

And I wonder; will I become better enough

To stand alone